Revelations
by BrownBunny1976
Summary: Kyo and Kaoru discover something knew about each other when Dir en grey disbands – something they both craved for, but never dared to voice out throughout the years.


**Revelations**

I couldn't stop nervously tapping my fingers on my iPhone while waiting for the elevator door to open. I haven't seen him since all of it happened and I was nervous. It's been four months now and I made a conscious decision to use what happened to finally distance myself from him.

But in the end I had to admit to myself that it was a stupid decision. We were sort of friends and to suddenly abandon him just because I had… issues about him wasn't fare for Kyo. My visit was long overdue.

The doors to the lift finally opened and I stepped inside, pressed number four and watched the doors close slowly.

Throughout all the years I wasn't here as much as I would have liked to. Probably just came here a few times for his birthday and once when Daisuke died. Birthdays and funerals. Nothing more.

I don't think anyone of us ever really talked to him about what happened. I still remember how hard Kyo fought for words trying to explain us the situation. It was killing him.

The thought of never singing again was unbearable to him.

And we didn't question. We disbanded and went our separate ways. Not even a last show, last interview or photo shoot. Just a short, apologetic public statement.

I know it was a bitter time for the five of us, but Kyo took it the hardest. He was the only one who couldn't just move on to another band and do something there. He could do nothing without his voice and it was killing him.

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to stop the unpleasant knot in my throat going up.

Four months without him was a very long time. I just hoped he was getting better, feeling better despite losing his voice and his band. I prayed to God whom I never truly believed for Kyo to be fine. I'll believe in God if only his blessing was what Kyo needed.

I opened my eyes just in time to see the doors open again. Stepping out of the elevator I couldn't ignore the nervousness I felt. That picture I saw in a newspaper of Kyo in baggy trousers and oversized t-shirt was alarming. They managed to get his face clearly and when I saw that picture… Kyo didn't look healthy. He looked depressed and miserable.

There is no way I am going to ignore that. I have to make sure this was just a work of a professional with Photoshop and not a real thing…

The door to Kyo's flat was finally in front of my eyes and I looked at it longingly. My whole body was gravitating to him and the four months apart to me felt like a painful separation of Siamese twins.

I pressed the bell, bracing myself to meet him. The only thing I have to promise myself is not to break and confess. Kyo didn't need any more problems thrown onto him out of the blue. I just wanted to make sure he was doing alright. And apologise I ignored him for so long.

The door didn't open.

I pressed the bell a few more times, each time leaving my finger on the small surface of the button for longer period of time, each time with less patience in my actions. My persistence pays off – I hear the steps on the other side of the door, the key turning in the lock and then the door swings open.

Kyo stares at me from inside the hall clearly surprised at seeing me. I need only a few seconds to evaluate the state he is in: dishevelled hair, jeans and crumpled t-shirt, bags under his eyes and an empty look in his black orbs.

"Hey, Kyo" I greet him, trying to sound as natural and friendly as I can.

"Hi" he mutters silently, staring at me.

"Sorry I didn't call in advance and sorry I was gone for so long. I just…"

Only lame excuses came to my mind, so I stopped. I didn't have an excuse good enough and the truth of me avoiding him deliberately wasn't something I was going to tell him.

"Can I come in?" I ask, feeling a bit wary about the cold greeting I got.

Kyo stared at me for a few more moments, but then stepped aside and let me in. I take off my shoes and drop my bag on the floor. A quick look around tells me Kyo has gotten rid of the cleaner long ago. Carpets needed vacuuming, dust all over the place, rubbish and whatnot on the floor.

He leads me to a partly-lit living room and flops down on the sofa. To my shock he takes a pack of cigarettes from the table and starts playing with them in his hands absentmindedly.

"Don't tell me you started smoking again?" I ask, sitting down opposite of him.

For a moment Kyo looks confused, but then looks down at the pack in his hand and frowns.

"Not yet…" he mutters.

I bite back any comments that I have. It was on the tip of my tongue to say it's not good for your voice. Luckily I held back just in time.

"How have you been doing, Kyo?" I ask. I try to sound as sincere as I can. I really want to know, it's not just a standard 'hi, how are you' question when you ask just to get it over with and move on to other things.

Kyo looks up from the pack of cigarettes to me and I am startled by a cold look he's giving me.

"Why do you suddenly care?"

His voice is still rough and shaky, and very week. But already much better since I last heard him speak four months ago.

"I always cared, Kyo" I answer.

Kyo snorts.

"Yeah, whatever!"

For a moment I just sit there, not knowing what to say to him. I know how the silent treatment I gave him for the last four months looks. And it looks pretty bad. I wonder if I would have let Kyo in at all if I was in his place.

"Look, Kyo…" I try to quickly think of what I can say to him. "I can't tell you the reason for my silence for the past few months, but please believe me, there was never a day I didn't think about you."

Kyo looks up again and stares me in the eyes. And I meet his gaze starring back, not moving even an inch, letting him see on my face that it was only truth I was telling him.

"I'm really sorry" I add, not knowing how else to repent.

To tell the truth, I wasn't sorry. Being away from Kyo was safe for me and for him. But abandoning him was also something I couldn't see myself doing. I just thought that the more time I gave myself to distance from him, the better the chances were for my feelings to die down. Even a little.

Kyo finally just shrugs and leans back on the sofa, still looking at me. I guess it's me who's going to be doing all the talking today.

"You don't look like you're that well, Kyo…" I finally say it.

"Why are you here?" Kyo asks, ignoring my statement. "I don't want to see you or Die or Shinya or Toshiya. Please tell Die to stop leaving me those stupid messages on the phone. I'm not going to go out for drinks – not with him, not with anybody else."

Something in my chest suddenly becomes very hard and painful, and I just stare at Kyo for a few moments.

"Kyo, you can't be hiding from the rest of the world forever. You have people who care about you, who want to help you!"

"People just like you, Kaoru?" Kyo asks, malice in his voice. "People who disappear for long months not even bothering to text me and ask me how I'm doing?"

I want to find words to explain it to him, but I can't. This is going the wrong direction and I've no idea how to make it stop, how to turn it back on the right path. I tried to throw him out of my life thinking only how it will affect my life. Never for a second had I thought Kyo would be so deeply hurt by my actions. Never for a moment I thought he's be missing my presence.

"Kyo, I already told you – I had my reasons and I'm sorry, but I was always thinking about you."

"Kaoru, I'm not stupid" Kyo says, his voice now sounding tired. "Whatever you were up to, it doesn't mean anything to sit down for just a couple of minutes and text me. However busy you were, it's not an excuse. The truth is you simply didn't give a damn for the last four months."

The depth of the feelings in Kyo's voice startles me.

"Why do you care so much about me writing you?" I ask.

Kyo suddenly lowers his eyes and stares at the cigarettes stubbornly.

"I don't!"

The nervous tapping of his fingers on the cigarette pack and the way he's so determined to avoid my eyes tells me the truth.

"I'd like you to go now" Kyo says quietly. "And don't bother coming back."

I sit there, frozen to the spot, feeling a wave of cold going through my entire body.

"Kyo, I said I'm very sorry. I thought we were friends…"

Kyo just sits there in silence, not looking up at me.

"Kyo, I swear to you, I wanted to see you, and I was so very worried about you!"

"Then why the fuck you forgot I existed for the past four months?" Kyo almost shouts, his voice trembling much stronger from the strain it's suddenly forced to go through.

"Because…"

Because I'm fucking in love with you!

How can I say that to him?

I know him too well – he'll shun me out completely, withdraw from me and pretend I don't exist. Just exactly as it happened with Kisaki. Just exactly the reason we had to disband, because Kyo was so stubborn, so selfish, so cruel. Because he would never forget once it was out in the open.

"Get the fuck out and don't bother coming back!" Kyo snaps back, his every syllable ripen with anger and spite. "Get out!"

He suddenly grabs his throat and cries in pain, doubling over on the sofa. His whole body starts to tremble from pain and strain he's putting in to try and steady himself.

I'm on my feet immediately, but for a moment I don't know if I should get out of the door or go up to him.

A silent sob reaches my ears and within a heartbeat I'm kneeling next to him, taking his head in my hands and pushing him close to my chest. He doesn't resist, just clings with his hands to his throat, trembling all over.

We sit like that and I'm waiting for the wave of pain in his throat to pass. Hoping that my closeness will sooth him, that my arms around his head will ease his pain. I start caressing his head, slipping my fingers in his black rough hair and rubbing his back with my other hand.

Soon Kyo calms down and I feel his body stop trembling, his sobs die out completely.

"It's very… painful… when it happens…" Kyo whispers so quietly that I can barely hear him.

He pushes out from my embrace keeping his head bowed, looking embarrassed. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently, trying to channel at least a little comfort to him. He looks up at me confused. His eyes are slightly red and watery, and so very tired.

"You don't have to go through this alone, Kyo" I say. "I'm sorry I was gone for so long, but it won't happen again. If you'll just say a word, I'll be there for you whenever you need me."

Kyo stares at me, evaluating, thinking, trying to figure me out.

There's something in his eyes that I've never seen before. A spark of hope, a quiet realisation.

Suddenly I feel him entwine our fingers and he squeezes my hand hard, watching me all the time. I squeeze back, not breaking the eye contact with him. I guide my other hand down his leg, pushing my fingers in the inside of his thigh and rest it there, feeling the heat of Kyo's body reach me through his jeans.

Kyo parts his lips just a fraction – perhaps because of a sudden realisation, of unexpectedness of it, of amazement at what it all meant.

I just stared back at him, hoping beyond everything else that I read the reactions of his body in the right way.

And then I leaned forward – just a smallest inch, just a little closer to him – and he mirrored my move.

"Kyo" I breathed, my whole body suddenly aching for him, longing him, earning to touch him.

And then, as if pulled by invisible strings, I closed the distance between us and touched his lips with mine – softly, carefully, so very lightly. His bottom lip felt plush and soft, warm and welcoming.

Kyo kissed me back hesitantly, just once, and pulled back, looking me in the eyes.

I had a million burning questions, insecurities, fears, but all that I had inside seemed to be mirrored in Kyo's face as well.

"Kyo, I…"

Words failed me, but not because I wanted to explain myself and make a run for it. But because Kyo's face was finally open to me and all his feelings shone through. And I saw so much warmth in them, warmth directed to me for the first time in all the years we've been working together.

And I dared to conclude that he had the same feelings for me. That he craved me in his life as much as I craved him.

"Kaoru" Kyo whispered, trying hard not to raise his voice. "Tell me it's real."

"It is!" I don't waste a second to confirm. "It's always been real to me!"

Kyo stared back at me, looking as if he wanted to say so many things, but couldn't find the right words.

"Nobody can know" Kyo whispered finally, looking warily at me. "I don't want anybody to know."

I nod. I don't care about that. Nobody ever knew about any of my previous boyfriends anyway.

"Do you want me like I am now?" Kyo asks. "I can't do anything… without my voice I'm worthless…"

I shake my head and squeeze his hand in mine harder.

"You've been the only thing in the world I would have been proudest to get! I wanted you for years – all of you!"

Kyo smiled and it was as if all the problems have been wiped clean from my life with that one little smile.

"I was so careful not to let my feelings for you show" I smile back, feeling like I would explode from the happiness that was overflowing in my chest.

"You did a hell of a good job" Kyo smiles. "I would have never guessed. I thought… I thought you never really liked me and it was killing me…"

I shake my head.

"You always managed to hide all your feeling at work and it was never a real you" Kyo continued whispering, letting me know what's been inside his mind all along.

"I always loved you."

Kyo's eyes widen a bit, but he doesn't move away from me, he inches slightly closer, looking at me in amazement.

"I always did" I confirm, thinking there was never going to be a good time to say this. It was the truth for many years now and maybe Kyo deserved to know it.

"Love is a very strong word, Kaoru" Kyo says.

"But it's what I feel for you. I would empty my bank account to help you – just you and my family. There is nobody else more important to me."

Kyo looks slightly disbelievingly at me.

"It's ok if you can't say it back, Kyo. I've been nurturing this feeling for years now, it's become a part of my life and I'm used to always loving you. I can wait. I just want you to be happy."

"I'm not happy… I'm not in a very happy place now…"

"I'm so very sorry for your voice" I say and withdraw my hand from his knee to rest it on his chest, close to his throat. "I'm here now to help you get through it."

"Kaoru, it's… I still find it hard to believe it's real…"

I didn't know what to tell him. It was a shock to me as well.

"But I want you in my life – I want you badly."

"As long as you want me, I'll be there" I reassure. "I want to be there for you. I want to be with you, kiss you, make you tea, take you on dates, treat you, make love to you, ravish you, worship your body, listen to your voice, watch you move, look you in the eyes. I'm craving all of that…"

I lean in and kiss him. And this time it's confident, passionate, loving.

"You're not alright now, but I want to be there for you – in happiness and sadness, in illness and health."

Kyo smiles.

"Tell me it's real" he whispers.

"It is real" I smile to him.

And I feel blessed. I'm never going to say this to him, but just because Kyo lost his voice forever has brought us together. And I'll be eternally happy for that. Happy because I finally had him when all hope was gone.

"Stay here for tonight" Kyo whispers.

"Of course" I answer.

He smiles and I get up to open up the blinds fully. I let the sunshine in and Kyo squints his eyes slightly.

There are many unanswered questions, many obstacles to tackle, many problems to face.

But I couldn't be happier to embrace all of that.

As long as Kyo was by my side, I could go through hell and back with him.

And at that moment I was sure Kyo felt exactly the same.

**The End **


End file.
